I suck! I am a terrible wife and mother. My husband has dirty socks, I nag, I have a sometimes severe attitude problem. My son watches too many episodes of VeggieTales, I am too strict now and then, and I am sick of cooking.
I feel I have no purpose. Why did God send me here? Am I just here to be a wife and mother? Not that I want a glamorous title or destiny, however I want to be someone's hero, mentor. I look at these mighty women of God at my church, and I pine for someone to have those thoughts of me. But it isn't supposed to be about me in the first place. All the glory is to be pointed to God. Is that why He hasn't revealed His purpose for me? Because I want the kudos? But I don't want to want the kudos, I want to be a humble servant..... And yet, I still want people to look up to me.
Is it possible for one to desire others to admire them, and still give God His due glory? Or am I too jacked up to reflect his beauty? I am a sinner. I lie, I sometimes drink too much, I disrespect my husband, I loathe, I am a trash talker, I am sometimes fake, I am jealous, envious, and scorned. No wonder I can't reflect His glory.
What do I want out of life??? I want purpose, I want to be the kind of wife you see in 50's movies. A loving serving wife, who always has dinner ready by the time her husband comes home. I want my house to always be clean, so clean you can lick the toilets. I want my son to know Jesus, to know how to read before entering school, I want to be a good sister & sister-in-law, I want my in-laws to love me as much as I love them (although I am terrible at showing them I love them). I want to be confident and know the word of God. I want to prophesy in the name of Jesus. I want to touch lives and I want to stop being afraid of what the world thinks of me because I am a CHRISTIAN!!! I wish I could sing. I want to be fit and be addicted to working out, I want my dogs' nails to be as short as they should be, and to be brushed all the time. I want a nice front yard so the homeowner's association guy stops bugging me. I want my cars to be clean. I want Jesus to come first (notice how far down the list He is). I want a butt you can bounce a quarter off of, I want better boobs, I want new carpet, and my house to be painted. I want my husband to be happy with his work, and to be blessed with the job of his dreams. I want I want I want....
But how can I help the world if I have this long list. Am I too preoccupied with my wants to focus on some one else's needs? Have I ever led anyone to the Lord? I don't think so, at least not of my knowledge.
Then on the other hand...
I am a great wife. I respect my husband, I cook for him and make sure he has clean uniforms. I speak highly of him when he is not around, and I tell him I love him. My son is read to almost every day, I play with him, and teach him how to clean up after himself and we sing every day... I mean EVERY DAY. My home is usually clean. I don't squander our money, I look for good deals and I shop around. I am certain someone thinks of me highly. At church camp, I prayed for a girl (who has elephantitis) and I know I got to her heart. I do many things for my in-laws. I go out of my way for them and I am always reliable when needed. My dogs know they are loved, even if their nails are long. And that homeowner's association dude can wait. We don't work on the timer of the world. I hope he gives us some grace. And I can say, I am refinishing a cabinet for my son, and I am painting the bathroom, not quite the entire house, but it is a start. As far as the body thing goes, at least I am not roly poly. For a size 11/12 I look ok. I know how to get where I want. I just need self-control. Maybe I have led someone to Jesus, but I won't see until I get to heaven.
For those of you who may be reading this who do not know Jesus... The battlefield of the mind never ends. I feel all of these things at once. I know and love my Jesus, and I still struggle. He has healed me, that is true. I am a new woman because of his love for me. However, I still struggle like you do. My life is hard, happy, amazing, stressful. I am most at peace, however when I give it to Jesus. Allow Him to work in your heart, you have NOTHING to loose. At least if you accept Him into your heart, you can be sure you are going to heaven, if you stay stubborn and unwilling, then I can tell you... Where you will go isn't going to be a good place. Find a good church. Read the Word. Don't believe everything you hear, screen everything you are told through the Word of God (bible). Find fellowship, I promise us Christians aren't as looney as you may think. We all sin, struggle, and most of us have a past we would rather leave in the past. It is okay. I wasn't sure of them either. I thought speaking in tounges was weird, until I did, and realized the peace in that. I can't explain it to you in one entry, but please do not judge the book by the cover. Your salvation is written in the pages of that book. Just hold on and keep reading. No one is asking you to fall on the ground speaking a language you don't understand, just open your heart to receive what is meant for you.
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